A couple of things happened today. Since Easter, the last day of Lent, I have now hit a new high on the bathroom scale and went running for the shortest distance. It has been 25 days since the last time I even went running. That does translate to about 20 bowls of ice cream and a several home made hamburgers since the last time I decided to run - or do any exercise for that matter.
I suppose a certain level of confidence could be to blame. After all, I accomplished so much in a short amount of time. Being 40 pounds lighter than I used to be, having the energy to do all sorts of physical activities, and having a solid foundation in my relationship with God has given me a great sense of pride. I am feeling great and confident . . . well, I was anyway. Then I went running with my son on July 23 and ran the worst time ever. I dismissed the time because it was very hot, and I had a great time with my son. The truth is that I was in denial. I actually ran pretty hard and I knew it. I had begun to atrophy. I didn't go back because I didn't want to prove just how weak I was becoming. Afterall, I am still so much stonger and lighter than I used to be.
This morning it happened; the scale showed a new first digit: a "2". It has bothered me all day and made me question what happened. For work, I had about 6 hours of driving today so I had plenty of time to seek the answer. The truth is bluntly honest. I became overly confident in all aspects of my life, enjoyed a few too many bowls of ice cream, and just sat to watch the kids play. Afterall, I deserved the rest and to reward myself after all of the hard work. The problem was that I did not do this alone; I had God to lean on. When it became time to rest and relax, I had slide away from God and giving Him the credit in my life.
I searched my soul for answers today. I thought maybe I can find some inspiration somewhere. I listened to Ted Talks which are usually interesting enough to inspire me. I tried some quiet time to let me clear my head and get focused. Maybe I can find the motivation to do something tonight when I get home. Maybe I will . . . no, I was looking in the wrong places and I know it. I need to look to God to find the inspiration and motivation that I enjoyed so much earlier this year. God gave me a purpose to do so much more with my life.
The struggle begins tonight. I grabbed Tyler, who has become almost more of a victim of my exercise routines, and we went for a ride / run. (He rides his bike and I run.) We did a wopping 2 KM tonight in a super fast 12 minutes . . . really Ben? That's all you have? Let me guess, you'll justify that slow time by saying Tyler fell off his bike or the dog was bothering you or it was too hot. No, the truth is that I got fat and lazy. I ran a "2 Km" and was really winded when it was over. It was horrible.
Where is the goal? Middle age sucks and leaves you feeling lost. There is a constant need to have goals. Merely suriviving life is not enough because I have known the feeling of great success. At this point, I have accomplished so many childhood goals, found success in unknown fields, and conquered the American Dream, yet it leaves me questioning what's next. Am I too old for some of those challenges? Is the risk of losing what I accomplished too much? Is it just easier to remain status quo? Will life become empty and boring from now on?
The goal is to continue growing in every way. It is time for reguvination. I need to welcome God into my life as more than an occassional friend that I allow to visit with me when it is convenient. I need God to be a part of my life. I need to set some real goals in life. This will allow me to challenge myself mentally and emotionally as I struggle. I need to exercise regularly. This will keep my body in shape and ready for the next crazy challenge. Today, I will stop atrophying and start strengthening. Let me begin by praying . . .
