Goal Seeking: New Year's Resolution

My New Year’s 2011 resolution was just like all the rest; I knew the goal, but I had no plan to accomplish it.  I knew I wanted to be better in all ways including being physically fit.  It wasn’t until Lent season that I actually got serious about these “resolutions” and there is a very good reason for that.  Lent was totally different from any New Year’s resolution because it reversed the order of things and taught me about attaining my goals. 

Every New Year’s, I resolve in the same way; I set a goal.  For example: I want to lose weight.  Then, I do some made up cutting back on certain foods diet I dream up and occasionally go for a walk.  This only leads to frustration and failure.  Through the Lent process, I learned about setting goals, making a plan, keeping motivated, and having inspiration.  This time the process was reversed, which is why I think I learned to become more successful in attaining my goals.  During Lent, I learned there was a difference between inspiration and motivation.  Many people confuse these words to mean the same thing when they are not.  Inspiration is that spark that incites or stimulates you.  Motivation is the driving force to keep you heading toward your goal; that daily inducement that maintains your drive following your plan toward the ultimate goal. 

Lent season is about building a new refreshed relationship with God.  That relationship is the ultimate goal.  During Lent we set other sub-goals that usually include giving up bad habits or taking on new things.  This is part of the micro-level plan.   My desire to have a renewed strengthened relationship with God was my inspiration.  Starting on Ash Wednesday and continuing for 40 days, I became increasingly motivated.  I was getting closer to my goal each day, and I had extraneous motivating forces surrounding me.  The benefits of giving up bad habits and seeing God’s influence in my daily life were positive reinforcements that kept me motivated.  By Easter Sunday, I felt renewed and accomplished.

The inspiration is the thing that many people miss.  It may be trying to win the heart of a girl that gets us started on that diet.  Then we develop a decisive plan.  Once on that diet, small successes of weight loss and increased stamina are positive reinforcements that keep us motivated.  Then eventually we strive persistently enough that we attain our goal and marry that pretty girl.   As another example: maybe we come up with a new invention and want to get it out to the world.  We get all excited about it and build a plan.  This plan leads to the start-up of a new business venture full of little ups and downs.  With enough persistence, we can eventually make a successful business. 

The first step toward attaining any goal in life must include finding that inspiration.  This leads to development of a defined plan of action.  Once the plan is put into place, then we find motivation.  Eventually, we attain out goals.  The process is the same regardless of your goals.  Once I recognized this process, I learned that I can implement this into all aspects of my life.

Atrophy: Spiritually, Mentally, and Physically

A couple of things happened today.  Since Easter, the last day of Lent, I have now hit a new high on the bathroom scale and went running for the shortest distance.  It has been 25 days since the last time I even went running.  That does translate to about 20 bowls of ice cream and a several home made hamburgers since the last time I decided to run - or do any exercise for that matter.

I suppose a certain level of confidence could be to blame.  After all, I accomplished so much in a short amount of time.  Being 40 pounds lighter than I used to be, having the energy to do all sorts of physical activities, and having a solid foundation in my relationship with God has given me a great sense of pride.  I am feeling great and confident . . . well, I was anyway.  Then I went running with my son on July 23 and ran the worst time ever.  I dismissed the time because it was very hot, and I had a great time with my son.  The truth is that I was in denial.  I actually ran pretty hard and I knew it.  I had begun to atrophy.  I didn't go back because I didn't want to prove just how weak I was becoming.  Afterall, I am still so much stonger and lighter than I used to be. 

This morning it happened; the scale showed a new first digit: a "2".  It has bothered me all day and made me question what happened.  For work, I had about 6 hours of driving today so I had plenty of time to seek the answer.  The truth is bluntly honest.  I became overly confident in all aspects of my life, enjoyed a few too many bowls of ice cream, and just sat to watch the kids play.  Afterall, I deserved the rest and to reward myself after all of the hard work.  The problem was that I did not do this alone; I had God to lean on.  When it became time to rest and relax, I had slide away from God and giving Him the credit in my life.

I searched my soul for answers today.  I thought maybe I can find some inspiration somewhere.  I listened to Ted Talks which are usually interesting enough to inspire me.  I tried some quiet time to let me clear my head and get focused.  Maybe I can find the motivation to do something tonight when I get home.  Maybe I will . . . no, I was looking in the wrong places and I know it.  I need to look to God to find the inspiration and motivation that I enjoyed so much earlier this year.  God gave me a purpose to do so much more with my life.

The struggle begins tonight.  I grabbed Tyler, who has become almost more of a victim of my exercise routines, and we went for a ride / run.  (He rides his bike and I run.)  We did a wopping 2 KM tonight in a super fast 12 minutes . . . really Ben?  That's all you have?  Let me guess, you'll justify that slow time by saying Tyler fell off his bike or the dog was bothering you or it was too hot.  No, the truth is that I got fat and lazy.  I ran a "2 Km" and was really winded when it was over.  It was horrible.

Where is the goal?  Middle age sucks and leaves you feeling lost.  There is a constant need to have goals.  Merely suriviving life is not enough because I have known the feeling of great success.  At this point, I have accomplished so many childhood goals, found success in unknown fields, and conquered the American Dream, yet it leaves me questioning what's next.  Am I too old for some of those challenges?  Is the risk of losing what I accomplished too much?  Is it just easier to remain status quo?  Will life become empty and boring from now on?

The goal is to continue growing in every way.  It is time for reguvination.  I need to welcome God into my life as more than an occassional friend that I allow to visit with me when it is convenient.  I need God to be a part of my life.  I need to set some real goals in life.  This will allow me to challenge myself mentally and emotionally as I struggle.  I need to exercise regularly.  This will keep my body in shape and ready for the next crazy challenge.  Today, I will stop atrophying and start strengthening.  Let me begin by praying . . .

Played: I Got Schooled

Social experiments are so much fun, until you become the subject. 

I had an interesting meeting with an insurance inspector this week.  I learned a couple of things about insurance liability, but that is not important.  This guy talked so fast I never even got his name.  He was very matter of fact, loud voice, fast paced . . . yeah, he was a typical clerk in a fast food joint in Chicago.  We walked the property together and he bounced around like one of those rubber balls with a string and a paddle.  Needless to say, I lost interest in this character pretty fast.  My answers became short and direct.  The sooner we get this over with, the sooner I can get on to more important things.

We went inside the building to look around.  While he checked the usual emergency lights and bathroom fixtures I decided to check my Blackberry.  I can still answer his varied questions while checking the latest emails.  Right when I was looking at my phone is when he did it.  He spoke softly.  He changed his demeanor into a gentle approach, leaned toward me, and spoke softly and clearly.  I immediately snapped to attention, put my phone away, and answer his questions.  We both even smiled at each other. 

Sometimes, it only takes that change up in attitude to get someone’s attention.  No one likes stern, aggressive, matter of fact demeanors.  When approached with loud noisy people or things, we tend to start to tune them out.  This is true of the loud person or the rattling car trunk near us in traffic.  We direct our focus toward other less obnoxious things.  However, when a person changes up to a gentler softer approach we immediately respond with a more pleasant attentive attitude. 

This is a lesson I learned a long time ago about attitudes and responses.  Yet, I played right into his hand.

Success is Learning

After so much misery, I woke up in the Fordasaurus to a clear sunrise on Monday morning. It had not rained as everyone had claimed it was going to. I looked at my phone to see a pile of emails from so many people regarding my big failure. I had to acknowledge the encouragement and love from all of my friends and family. The time had come to determine if I was really going to quit or if I was going to rejoin the team. If I was going to quit and go home, I had better get moving; the plane leaves in a few hours. All of my gear was dried out, and I had re-packed my gear. To rejoin the group, I had to pinpoint their exact location and get myself to them precisely when they crossed that road. Jason had text me and gave me a general idea of where they were. After a long while of phone calls to shuttle services that said they were booked up and unavailable, I walked to each gas station looking for someone to give me a ride way into the middle of no where. No one was willing to help me even for money and time was running out. There was an older gentlemen that appeared to be retired military. I asked him if he knew of anyone locally that could give me a ride. He replied that he had nothing to do and might as well take me himself. He was the first blessing I had seen in a while. After almost getting lost with him and passing the approximate location, we went back to a possible campground. Going back and forth I finally told him to drop me off at the crossroad intersection where two roads met up with the AT. I got my gear out of the truck, signed in on the AT registry, and looked down the hill to see Spence a mere 50 feet away! The timing was critically close. We sat around for a while as a group and enjoyed lunch. It was time to start hiking with these real men who were willing to accept me back into their crew. I was suddenly invigorated. We went up some of the most beautiful mountain sides I had ever seen. The over looks were astonishing. Spence took off in the lead while Tom and Jason were lagging back a little. This left me alone, again. It's ok; I deserved that. I turned on my Ipod and continued up that mountain with a hurried pace. Suddenly the majestic beauty of it hit me. I had chills up my spine as I soaked in the breathtaking views. I was alive, refreshed, and completely in awe of the wondrous surroundings. This was absolutely awesome!I had no clue what kind of reward could have been waiting for me. Over the past couple of months I physically trained and even prepared with all of the proper equipment. I went through all the correct motions yet I was not ready. When I got here, I was clueless regarding what to expect. I judged quickly and prematurely determined this was hell. It wasn't until I was willing to accept responsibility for my actions, overcome the guilt and shame, and put forth the fortitude to go back for a second attempt before I realized what wonders lay ahead for me. This was not hell as I previously thought. If Heaven starts out rough, I will know not to give up too quickly.In a feeble attempt to redeem myself, I brought back several bottles of fresh water. I carried this for miles and shared with the guys whenever they were thirsty. I desperately wanted the role of motivator to my friends. I told jokes and stories. We had some real positive bonding time. We came to a shelter where we could have stopped, but by unanimous decision we decided to push on another ten miles to the next shelter. We had no idea how much uphill climbs there would be. Heading uphill also means no water. We were running desperately scarce on water, and I had already shared all the water I brought. We crossed one stream and took it for granted that there would be plenty more. The later it got, the more desperate the situation became. We kept pushing along the top of an endless ridge line. Even the dog was getting very fatigued. We must get to water because we were sweating out too much. We finally reached a pinnacle with a bunch of huge rocks. We stopped for a moment to take a break when it suddenly hit me. I said to the guys, "I'm about to pass out" and then I hit the ground. The world was spinning and I felt horrible. This was a dire situation for me. Then I realized I had a half of a bottle of water stashed that I had to drink. Jason went on to look for water while Tom took care of me. After coming to, Tom and I set up camp. Spence ran back two and a half miles of mountain trails in the dark to bring us water. I went on to bed for the best night of tent camping sleep ever. This was a great day.The next day Tom and I made it to the camp where Jason and Spence had spent the night. They had a great camp with showers and fresh water. Tom and TJ stayed there for the day so that Spence could slack pack to the end; the challenge was set to see how fast Spence could make it the last 12 miles. Jason and I hiked with most of our gear. We were a two man team and Jason was the diesel freight train engine full of unending endurance. We had three incredibly steep mountains to climb in the hot sun. The view was terrible and the water source had dried up. This was becoming increasingly difficult. It seemed the harder it became, the more stoic Jason' endurance grew. We finally reached water about eight miles in. The final four miles were mostly downhill and canopied along a stream. The canopy reminded me of what those soldiers must have gone through in Vietnam. They certainly endured far worse then me.Jason and I became even closer this trip. We finished the last section together in the pouring rain. Afterward, we all went out to dinner for huge steak and cheese subs, then retired to our hotel rooms where we nearly collapsed from pure exhaustion. Going through these tough times does more than make us appreciate the good times. My closest friend, Jason, has the ability to push through any amount of pain which was astonishing to me. When most people get weak from exhaustion, he became a focused machine that could endure any amount of suffering.  Spence taught me that we can push outselves to new boundries and then a little further.  Tom displayed how the mind keeps going.  His intellectual business creativity intrigues me because he was able to disconnect which only made him more focused.  I learned about my own physical and mental stamina. I know now how far I can push my body through physical strength and endurance testing. More importantly, I know that I have mental limitations that with focus, can be stretched beyond my normal elements. We should all try new things throughout our lives. Some of those things will truly test our character. I survived this test and overcame failure even at my weakest moment.  The Appalacian Trail is full of ups and downs, knobs and gaps, and highs and lows; then there are the mountains.

Failure Does Not Feel Good: My Weakest Moment Revealed

As I mentioned previously, I went hiking in the Appalachian Trail this week with three of my close guy friends. I was fortunate enough to get to drive the entire 600 miles in an extremely large yet unfamiliar Ford Excursion. We arrived last night just before dark to Mt. Rogers in Virginia. We hiked into the dark only to start setting up our tents and gear in the cold rain. After a difficult time cooking dinner, we went to sleep in our wet set up. Throughout the night, rain continued until I became soaking wet and extremely uncomfortable. This was also my first time in the straight jacket known as a mummy sleeping bag. This was made worse by the fact that my head and feet were touching the tent sides. I became claustrophobic since I couldn't move even to roll over. Suddenly, I became very panicky because I knew I couldn't get out of the bag since I couldn't stop shivering. As some animal brushed against my tent and pushing my feet, I immediately grabbed my pistol and sat awake the rest of the night. I only had a few hours of sleep all night. The little bit of sleep I did get was constant nightmares and paranoia.

This morning it looked like a cold October day with added rain. It felt like hell had just frozen over. I sincerely apologized to my friends, but I had to quit. I knew that I could not survive a week in a soaking wet sleeping bag. Cold and wet just shouldn't go together.

Tonight I sit in the same truck stop parking lot I have been all day. It is not my truck, so I have to find another way out of here. I plan to hitch a ride out of this truck stop in the morning to the nearest big town (60 miles away) so that I can rent a car to go home to my family.
My family has been upset all day (on Mother's Day), and I let my closest friends down. Above all, I let myself down. This May 8th will go down in my history as my weakest day ever.

Running the Big Race

After Lent was over I found myself relaxed but (overly) confident in my abilities.  Saturday was a 5K race that was for Relay for Life as a cancer fundraiser.  Sure, why not?  I have been training, and I can do better every time.  At this point, these are fun and common place . . . even though I have not ran but one time all week.

Before the 5K race there was a kid’s 1 mile race.  Since we didn’t have a babysitter, Christy entered both boys in this race.  I have been taking Tyler with me a few times but not very aggressively and not really training for a big race.  I did teach him one thing; no race is ever won at the starting line.  Every race is won at the finish line.  Most kids will take off full of energy only to realize they can’t finish the race.  It never makes sense to be the one in the lead if you can’t finish.  Tyler was doing great by keeping his pace and staying in third position.  The race ended with a final quarter mile lap around the track.  I noticed Tyler was struggling but remained steady.  I walked the opposite to direction to meet Tyler with half a lap to go.  I ran along beside him coaching him along.  I was able to be there as his Dad giving him the extra motivation to push really hard for that awesome finish.  He gave it everything he had to sprint across the finish line.

I was standing there with all those athletes ready to run the 5K.  Several were stretching out their muscles and some were simply standing there having jovial conversations while flexing their muscles at each other.  In order to make yourself look skinny, surround yourself with fat people.  Wow, I really felt like the fat guy.  In fact, I was the fattest guy in the crowd.  Nervous anxiety started to come over me.  What am I doing out here with these trained athletes?  None of these people know me or care about my story.  At that point, I wondered if I knew my story. 

We started and they all took off; even all of the ladies passed me.  I reminded myself not to let pride take over.  I set my pace where I knew that I could run the entire race without stopping.  Then I started feeling worse.  I had not run on my own like this before.  Always before, I ran with a purpose.  I ran for God.  It was about the first half mile mark and I started praying, “God, please join me in this race.  It is with you that all things are possible.  Please forgive me for thinking this was about my abilities.”  I suddenly felt at ease.  I never waivered again.  One by one I started passing people who were dropping from their overly zealous pace.  I was approaching the end, and I knew I was doing fine.  The Christian music from the Relay was playing and it really inspired me to the point that I got chills up my spine.  I was about to pass two more people and really run that last quarter mile as fast as I can possibly run.  As I turned the corner to get on that tract for that final lap here came Tyler running over to me.  “Daddy” he yelled out.  He ran along with me with the biggest grin on his face.  We both smiled, but I knew what I had to do . . . I am about to sprint the entire lap to show my son what I can do.  I took off and immediately I heard it; my son cried out to me, “Daddy, don’t leave me.  Daddy!”  Oh no, what am I to do?  I slowed down almost jogging in place, grabbed my son’s hand, and we ran the entire lap together.  He pushed as hard as he could.  He didn’t want to disappoint me and I didn’t want to disappoint him.  I helped him run his race and he helped me run mine.  The only time I ran alone was the beginning where I felt intimidated, anxious, and afraid.  I felt at peace as I ran the race with God and became victorious as I finished the race with my son. 

Pendulum Effect

Life is a constant swinging pendulum of ups and downs.  There was so much success over the weekend with the Easter Resurrection, record weight loss, accomplishing the 40 hour Fast, and even the joy of knowing true success from putting forth 100% effort.  Then it all ended.  I ate what I wanted, drank what I wanted, and even had a relaxing day with minimal effort.  This morning I dug deeper in the closet to find an old pair of slacks that I haven’t worn in years.  They are now the best fitting pair of pants I own.  I had accomplished everything I set out to accomplish.  With God all things are possible.

There is nothing more devastating to positive progression than to reach final success.  The most unproductive time in life is right between successful completion of one thing and the beginning of working on a new thing.  It is right after that feeling of accomplishment that we are left feeling empty and unchallenged.  We relax only to find that we have lost our purpose and need to quickly find a new one.

Work was not so great today.  Some of the things that I recently thought were coming together seemed to fall apart.  One by one, another thing went wrong.  Then tonight I decided to go running the 5K.  Maybe a good run will bring me back up.  I had to stop a few more times than usual tonight: twice for the dog with the nice teeth, once for the old Ford truck that burned way too much gas, and twice coming up those steep hills.  The salt in all that good food yesterday is now burning my eyes like pepper spray.  I did the whole 5K in 31:38.  It felt like anything but success.

There is a 5K race this Saturday for Relay for Life.  In two weeks I will be hiking in the AT with some great guys.  In 6 weeks I will be revisiting high school friends for my 20 year reunion.  These are all good reasons to keep motivated.  However, my biggest reason to stay motivated didn’t hit me until I was at the 4K mark running tonight; I had not prayed all day.  I guess that level of confidence made me a little arrogant.  Lent was a period of cleansing to get me closer in my relationship with God.  God does not want us to simply thank Him for the nice journey.  He wants a relationship with us.

In order for me to keep my life from a constant pendulum of highs and lows, I need to recognize the patterns and direction changes.  It is time to refocus and stay motivated.  Writing always helps.  Maybe I should write about this . . . maybe I will post it on my website since it’s not being used anymore . . .

Lent Day 47 - Easter

Since the very first day I have felt as thought this period of Lent was a preparatory process for something to come.  I have been getting an education so that I can move on to the next level.  I have gained muscle, lost weight, built endurance, learned about sacrifice, and above all, strengthened my relationship with God. 

One of the biggest things I learned about was sacrifice.  I deliberately gave up certain things and habits.  However the sacrifices were much bigger than giving up chocolate or fried foods.  Rather, the sacrifice was felt in the peripheral things I had to give up.  Whenever I was out running, I had to give up a few minutes at home with my wife and boys or even time spent sleeping.  Giving up certain things meant that I couldn’t enjoy certain times with friends and family as much as I would have liked.  Even though they were numerous this year, these small sacrifices make me really appreciate the sacrifice that Jesus made for each of us: his gave his life for you and me.

The question almost goes without asking, what next?  The biggest thing I was trying to give up was laziness.  Well, on this 47^th day, I rested.  I ate a delightful meal at O’Neal’s with family and friends.  For dinner, I grilled the best hamburgers with sautéed onions and melted pepper jack cheese with jalapeños . . . and then the whole family went for a 4.5K walk.  It took us almost an hour, but the four of us and the dogs had a great time enjoying each other’s company.  I don’t know if I will have the determination to keep this going daily until next Ash Wednesday, but I will remember one important thing my big brother Dean taught me.  Do one thing everyday to get your heart rate up; it doesn’t matter what you do, just get your heart rate up.  Even if all you do is go for a blissful walk with your spouse, children, dogs, or even God.  There is nothing more invigorating.

No matter what I do, how much I dedicate myself, commit my actions, and focus my thoughts, I cannot get any closer to God through any amount of action or inaction.  The only thing that matters is what’s in my heart: that faith in Jesus for what He did on this day about 2,000 years ago.  For that I will always be thankful.

I have exceeded my weight loss goal.  I wanted to lose 12 pounds, and I lost 22 pounds.  The last two pounds was from doing a 40 hour Fast from Friday night through Sunday morning.  Saturday was brutal.  I was so tired, lethargic, and worthless feeling.  Unfortunately, the feeling was familiar; this is what I felt like everyday when I was 40 pounds heavier, smoked, and ate junk food every day.  I had started to question why I was doing the Fast, but then during prayer, it occurred to me; to remind me of what will happen if I turn away from God and go back to my old ways.

Along this journey I defined a few things.  Inspiration is what gives us the desire to get up and make goals.  Motivation keeps us progressing along with enthusiasm.  Dedication is the absolute giving of ourselves.  Commitment is the stoic promise.  I have found each of these things in God along this journey.

Writing these blogs every day became a big commitment and obligation for me.  It was the multitudinous responses and kind words of so many of you that inspired me and kept me motivated.  Writing these kept me accountable.  I could have kept this thing to myself and even gotten away with cheating a little.  I am sure God would have forgiven me.  Knowing that my promise everyday was to God and that all of you were watching, I couldn’t cheat.  I am setting an example to all of you and to my children (who watch me even when I don’t think they’re paying attention).  I am a Christian man who made a public promise to God.  In return, you motivated me and God rewarded me.  I can only hope that I inspired a few of you.   

    

This was my journey to get closer to God . . . for all of you that asked me 47 days ago what is Lent . . . this is the best way I can define it.  Thank you all for following along.

Lent Day 46

Motivation.  It is inspiration that gets us started, but it is motivation that keeps us going for that finish line.  Due to recent events and the timing with Easter, I have to ask myself what is my true motivation?  Am I doing this for myself as a disguised diet and exercise plan or am I doing this for God?  God knows what is in my heart. 

Last night I went camping in the back yard with the boys.  We stayed up very late telling stories and such.  The boys were all snuggled up in the sleeping bags and comforters.  I had a sheet and a very thin blanket so I had a miserably cold night.  Every time I moved a draft of cold air would hit me and make me wake up freezing.  When I finally got up (more like gave up trying to sleep) I realized I was tired and did not get the needed rest.  I suppose this might have been similar to Jesus’s Thursday night before being hung on the cross.  I would bet that was his worst night ever.

I decided to go running this morning.  It is a beautiful morning and besides, since I am Fasting I don’t know if I will have the energy to run this evening.  Christy did her 5K running before me this morning.  When I went running on the dirt road I thought it was really cool to see her footsteps.  I felt like I was running where she had just recently gone.  This can be likened to the fact that Jesus has gone before me to pave the way to the Father.

I ran extra hard this morning.  While running the sun was coming up and making it very hot.  I was already tired from the lack of sleep and lack of food.  Then that stupid dog came out into the road to show me his teeth.  Nice teeth.  With all of those obstacles, I kept running.  As I was jogging up that steep hill I asked myself, “Am I doing this for me or for God?”  I can assure you if it was for me, I would be walking.   

We try to set man-made goals for everything we do.  Those seem attainable, measurable, and calculable.  Whatever goals I may make for myself, I know that I can accomplish with an “A” level (sometimes with just 95%).  However, we cannot even imagine the plans and goals God has for us.  Jeremiah 29:11.  If I follow God’s plan, I know I can stay motivated and accomplish the goal 100%.

Lent Day 45

Good Friday.  It is Good Friday not because of anything we have done, but because of what He did for us.  God gave his only begotten son.  Jesus sacrificed his life for our sins.  He committed His life so that we may have eternal life.

I participated in the passion play at church where we reenacted the crucifixion of Jesus.  As a Roman soldier, I had to block Jesus from the crowd as He carried His cross.  What surprised me the most was how animated some of the members of the crowd had become.  The hatred for this mere common criminal shocked me.  Before, during, and after the death on the cross, they continued to disbelieve that He was their savior. 

I watched the actor play Jesus on the cross.  He did so with such stoicism and stamina.  I know that I was standing on the ground for all that time and felt weak in the feet and knees.  It was much harder to be standing on a cross.  It must have been so much for Jesus to bear up on that cross.  The physical torture that Jesus went through was obviously unbearable.  It just amazes me that the people 2,000 years ago could stand there and spit upon Him and display so much hatred for Him.  Forgive them Father for they know not what they do.

Anything that I have gone through during this Lent period has certainly paled in comparison.  It felt like so much effort physically, emotionally, and mentally.  I ran this afternoon in the 90 degree heat.  I felt focused and I wanted to put forth more effort today than anytime previously, especially today.  I knew if I kept pushing myself harder, I could do it for Jesus.  It was the least I could do to show Him that I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.  My final time was 30:40.  I felt like I had failed when I had to keep walking in that hot sun and finished with a worse time than previously. 

The journey is not over.  The Good Friday event just began.  Sunday’s a coming!  Starting tonight, I shall Fast for 40 hours: through Easter morning.  I shall do this with complete dedication of myself and remain committed to Him.  It just feels like such a small sacrifice in comparison.  I will definitely do one thing even after Easter; I shall remain dedicated. 

Lent Day 44

Confidence.  Confidence comes from experiencing success and gaining a subsequent belief in the likelihood of continued success.  Repeated success increases confidence.  Successful completion of increasingly difficult tasks increases one’s confidence level correspondingly.  This is true in any application.

Tonight we had tee ball and baseball games at opposite ends of the ball park.  They could not put the boys any further apart.  Since the games were simultaneous, I ran to see the opposite game.  I literally ran the entire way without getting winded or hesitating in my ability to make it without walking or stopping.  I have no doubt that I can easily run a couple of miles without stopping.  Fortunately it is not very often that someone is chasing me, but if there ever is . . . I’ll be able to run.

I went running when we got home tonight which was after dark.  Normally I do not like running after dark down these wooded dirt roads.  The last couple of nights have been exceptionally dark since there has been no moon.  I decided to go run on the road anyway, but I brought two small powerful flashlights.  I realized that I did not need them by the time my eyes adjusted to the dimness once I got away from the house.  Of course, that object on the side of the road that looked like either a person or a large bear coming at me made me jump back and frightened me . . . until I turned on the flashlight and realized it was a rapidly approaching mailbox.  After that, I never turned the flashlights on again.  Simply having the flashlights with me gave me the confidence to run in the dark.  The pen and sword may be mighty weapons, but a flashlight can stop any mailbox.

Having God on my side gives me confidence.  The more I listen to God and build my relationship with Him, the more confident I am that I can accomplish anything with Him.  Problems can be resolved and successes will be attained.  I have given myself to God through Lent for the past few years.  With this dedication and commitment, I have grown increasingly more confident in my ability to do whatever God has in store for me.   

There was one fascinating thing about tonight’s run.  I don’t think I have ever seen so many lightning bugs in my life.  It was a grand, bug powered fireworks show all along the road.  There were so many of them that I almost ate two of them; I don’t think one of them survived the venture into my mouth.  It almost made my teeth glow.  Maybe that was practice for the coming hiking trip in the mountains.

Lent Day 43

Goals and Plans.  Very little success can be accomplished without a goal.  Once goals are set, a plan will help you attain that goal.  Having motivation will help you stick to that plan.  Having the inspiration . . . that’s the spark that gets you started.

I’ve had people asking me what am I going to do after Easter, will I continue these blogs, how much weight will I lose, is there a target?  These are all tough questions for me.  A few weeks before Lent, I became very anxious for Ash Wednesday.  I have learned over the past couple of years that Lent has brought me so much closer to God.  With that relationship with God, I feel accomplished. 

The goal was to get closer to God.  The plan was to make sacrifices.  The process involved ongoing motivation through pure dedication and stoic commitment.  Past and present feelings of success are my inspiration.  Walking with God in my life has brought me much joy and happiness.  The rewards are numerous ranging from grand problems being resolved to trivial weight loss.  Nonetheless, the feeling of success when I accomplish my goals is what makes me happy. 

There are only a few days left until Easter.  Before I get to the end of this Lent season I have to come up with a plan for what’s next.  The most unsuccessful period in life is right after goals have been accomplished and new ones have not been implemented yet.  Will I continue in my walk with God?  I plan on it.  Will I go running everyday?  I know that it has become a habit and something that I really look forward to each day.  Will I continue with the diet and lack of certain bad foods?  I am sure my taste buds have changed and I won’t even want some of those bad foods.  Will I ever have a beer again?  You bet.  Will I continue the blog each day? 

I can’t wait to see what God’s plan is for me.  Whatever the next level is, I know I am up to the challenge now.

Lent Day 42

New Goals.  I suppose I am becoming a middle aged guy with all of the inward observations about my life.  One thing I had a hard time with a few years ago was my accomplishments.  I had foolishly thought I already accomplished all of my life time goals.  I had the beautiful wife, kids, home, cars, career, and above all, I had accomplished the American Dream.  I even had the American Corvette.  I asked myself, what will I do now that I reached my goals?  Duh!  I make new goals and push myself harder.

The problem with reaching our goals is that we tend to reward ourselves too easily.  We forget how much effort we had to put forth to obtain that level of success.  If we lose two pounds, then we eat a cheeseburger and fries only to get discouraged the next morning when we step on the scale.  If we get that bonus check from the boss for doing a good job, we go out and spend it frivolously only to find we over spent our budget.  A little hard earned success can inspire us to stay motivated.  Too much easy success will be taken for granted and lead to our failure.  This is true by nature just from living in America but that is another blog for after Easter.

Instead of rewarding myself, I choose to push myself harder.  As if giving up laziness, eating late at night, sweets, fried foods, bread, soft drinks, cigarettes, and alcohol isn’t hard enough, last night I mentioned not giving a full 100% effort at anything.  Tonight I was really inspired to go out there and see how fast I could run the 5K.  I ran the full dirt road path that I have been doing with as much speed as I could maintain.  I beat my record at home time with 29:11.  Can I keep beating my own time through Easter?

Pushing myself harder has me thinking about another topic: the submissive, passive Christian personality trait.  Some people have it in their mind that Christians are not fighters because of this trait.  It is not because I am a Christian that I have never been in a fist fight; that is because I am smarter than any adversary to cross my path.  However, it is because I believe in America and Judeo-Christian values that I would defend my country, family, and freedoms with everything I have.  It is through God that I am strengthened and will be victorious in any battle that comes my way.  If that means I have to punch someone out, then so be it. 

The 5K last Saturday wasn’t the finish line and Easter will not be either.  God’s love and grace will continue past any 40 day period.  The period of Lent is intended to get us back in tune with God and remind us of the sacrifice that Jesus made for us.  This is a period of spiritual and physical cleansing.  It would be a shame to consider Easter a finish line.  The reward for all of the hard work will come later.  I feel the reward everyday with my blessed life.

Lent Day 41

The home stretch.  I have the inspiration to get me started.  I have the commitment to get me actually going.  I have the dedication to continue through the journey.  Sometimes, I even have the speed to go faster.  However, full endurance has always been a hard part for me.  Whenever I am out running I realize something right near the end; I don’t want to push through the last stretch.

That last home stretch is always the most difficult part.  When I was out running the 5K Saturday I had a really hard time getting up that last hill.  I knew full well what I was going to do on that last 100 yard dash, but getting up that last hill was almost too much.  Whenever I do the 5K in my neighborhood, I run 2.5 miles to the south round trip, then past my house to the north another round trip to finish up.  The hardest part is passing my house so close to the end.  Wasn’t that good enough?

They say most car accidents happen within 10 miles of your house.  I know some blondes that may consider moving now.  However, the real reason for this is about increased odds; this is where we drive the most.  The old myth behind this phenomenon is that we get too relaxed and comfortable when we get near home.  This is what happens to me when I am out running . . . without the accidents.

One thing I have always struggled with during my life is giving 100 percent.  In college I was an “A” student.  I never felt the need to strive for “A+” or 100%.  Surely an A was enough.  Truth be told, I always aimed for and accomplished 95%.  No one ever looked at my transcripts and thought, if only he made higher A’s.  Maybe this home stretch thing has been with me my whole life.  This is probably the root cause behind my desire to be better than myself each day.  What would it be like to give 100% to anything and exceed all expectations?  I have to admit.  This sounds very intriguing even though I had written off the notion years ago.  Maybe that will be next year’s Lent.

A few years ago I was conned into purchasing asphalt for my 250 linear feet of driveway . . . a mile down a dirt road.  That’s another story.  Anyway, it has always been great for the boys to ride bicycles, write with chalk, or other fun activity that can’t normally be done in the grass.  About two years ago Christy took a video of me running up the driveway with the boys.  I watched that video in awe.  I was completely shocked that I was that fat guy having a really hard time running up that driveway one time.  Tonight I started very slow.  Ok, I will just run up and down the driveway until I get tired then walk, do push ups, or something.  Shucks, I wasn’t getting tired after 15 minutes, but I did get bored.  There is an average of 80 jogging steps each way up and down that driveway.  Then the jump rope gave me a whooping.  Then pushups, then some new activities with those dreaded five pound dumbbells, then some sit ups, and then the hard part; I have to write to all of you who keep me accountable.

Lent Day 40

Continued Sacrifice.  40 days ago I was determined to make a commitment to God and build my relationship with Him based on personal sacrifices.  As with all sacrifices for God, there will always be positive rewards back to the person making the sacrifice.  I knew this going into it and subsequently made tangible goals so that I could tell if I was staying true to my word.  It is now one week until Easter, and I feel that I have been very successful thus far.  I have exceeded my weight loss goal, spent more time enjoying my kids, been very productive at work, been more focused in church, and feel that I have been growing in my relationship with God. 

This journey is not over.  After the race yesterday, we had a lot of fun as a family.  We enjoyed a Down Home Days festival with all kinds of good smelling / tasting food, fun activities, and a car show.  This morning was a special Palm Sunday at church and they even had brownies in Sunday School.  Then this afternoon was a wonderful time at our friend’s house.  Our families have such a great time whenever we get together, but . . . it was a birthday party . . . with cake and ice cream.  Oh the temptation was strong, and my weakness is ice cream.  Many people were making excuses for me that it was Sunday and I have done so well up to now.  Even my wife wanted to justify that it was ok for me to “cheat” today.  After all, this is day 40 if I count Sundays, and if I don’t count them, then . . . I don’t expect people to understand and participate in my journey.  This is why I know that Lent is a personal experience with God.  I can stay strong in the face of adversity.  I would even sit the bowl of candy right in front of me just to see how strong I could be.

Yesterday I ran the big race and had my best time ever.  Then tonight I didn’t know exactly what to do.  Because I was so hungry from all the temptation, I ate a big dinner consisting of three eggs, a can of spinach (with pepper sauce vinegar), and some dry Fruit Loops cereal.  Then I changed clothes and went running.  Ok, there are a lot of things I have learned through Lent; one includes spinach, eggs, cereal, and running.  Unbelievably, I did not throw up.  I also forgot to drink plenty of water today.  I started running and immediately became very nauseous and thirsty, but I kept running.  Just over the halfway point (2.75km) I had to walk some.  I looked up and noticed the beautiful evening sky, the hawk flying by, and the fragrance of jasmine in the air.  I kept pushing on, but at a slower pace so that I could enjoy the quiet time and all the beauty around me. 

I finished tonight with a time of 32:40.  That is almost 5 minutes slower than yesterday’s race.  Somehow that did not bother me.  I was strong this weekend in my commitment to God and dedicated to my sacrifices.   I feel great.

Lent Day 39

The big race.  We got up early this morning full of anticipation.  Suddenly, my mind started wandering into a debate; do I run this race to show God and myself what I can do or do I hang back with friends and enjoy the time?  After all, this is not supposed to be a diet and exercise plan.  Knowing that my wife and friends were all training to run “their” race, I figured it would be best for me to run at my own pace. 

The weather was forecast for heavy storms and radar was lit up in red all around us.  In 38 days of exercising outside, I have not had rain on me yet.  Just like all those times God took away the “rain” excuse, God kept all of the bad storms away from the race area.  In fact, we only had a few light sprinkles for a minute or two during the middle of the race.

We lined up.  Those who can run fast, get in the front.  The slower folks need to get in the back.  I jumped in the middle and suddenly . . . I felt nervous.  What if I can’t do this?  What if I barely make it and look like a fool?  A few minutes ago all of these people were smiling, joking, and being so nice to each other.  Now, they all have their serious game face on and they look ready to run.  My friend Spence got near the front while Christy and the Archambaults got in the rear of the pack.  I actually felt nervous, intimidated and wondered if I was about to get run over.  

On your mark, get set, . . . Go!  Ok, start running at a good pace and stay with everyone.  Oh no, it starts with a hefty uphill.  We haven’t made it a quarter mile (all up hill) and I am feeling winded.  I suddenly realize that I cannot keep up this pace.  I need to back off from this front pack or I will never make it.  Finally, I’m at the top of the first hill.  We have some fairly flat roads for a minute.  What am I doing at this increased pace?  This is not what I did out on the dirt road. 

I need help.  Since I didn’t have Monte tied to my waist to help pull me along, I had to look elsewhere.  God, I really need you now.  I don’t know what I was thinking assuming I can do this on my own.  No wonder I was so nervous.  God, this experience is about building my relationship with you.  I focused on that commitment to God.  Suddenly, I fell into my steady groove and comfort speed.  My breathing and heart rate were right at my comfortable level.  Ok, let’s keep this pace.  The first large group had pulled away and no one was too close behind me.  It was just God and me . . . going for a normal run.

There was one really long steep up hill on campus at the 2 mile mark.  I thought we were turning left at the top sidewalk, and I was determined to make it there.  There was a staff person standing there to bear the really horrible news . . . keep going further straight up that hill to the top, turn around the curb, then come back to here to take that turn.  Argh!  I finally had to walk about 100 feet.  After that, I resumed my steady pace the rest of the way.  There was one super steep uphill right before the end.  A guy was standing at the top cheering me on.  “You can do this!”  I realized he was right.  I stared right back at him.  I got to the top where he was, thanked him, and then exploded!  I took off for that last 100 yard stretch with everything my body had to give.  Sprint with all my might as hard as I possibly can!  I did it in 27:51!!!  My best time ever. 

Lent Day 38

Change of pace.  Sometimes we need to do things differently to break up the monotony of things.  Regardless of how good or bad anything is, everything must be in moderation; not too much and not to little of anything.  This includes chocolate cake, lasagna, time spent on the computer, work, playtime, and yes, it even includes running.

Tomorrow morning is the 5K race.  Considering that it is early in the morning, I didn’t want to run tonight and wear myself out, but I have to do some exercise.  I finally got outside and went into the garage to retrieve my special exercise equipment: my jump rope.  There is a story here.  About a dozen years ago, I had decided I was going to get into shape.  Yes, I have been out of shape for a long time.  My new bride and I went shopping where I purchased a very nice leather jump rope.  It was a good one with cushion grip weighted handles.  Of all the purchases I have ever made, I have always been very defensive of this item.  I suppose it is because it sat next to the computer monitor for a few years when Christy decided she was tired of seeing it.  She had gotten on to me for purchasing this thing that was so expensive that I will never use.  I assured her that I would use it, but . . . (yes, I have been making excuses for a long time too).  I might grab it and go outside for a minute and come right back in huffing.  I would then place it somewhere else so that she wouldn’t get on to me about it.  I can tell you one thing for certain; a decade plus later and I have always known exactly where that thing is located.

So tonight I get that jump rope, the five pound dumb bells, and my gloves out of the garage.  I slip on the gloves and do some “air boxing” with the dumbbells in my hands.  Oh boy, I better be careful not to throw my back out with those.  I put them down and grab that jump rope.  Sure, I can jump rope for a few minutes, then do push ups and sit ups and repeat.  This will be easy.  Wrong.  I stretched out that old leather jump rope and make sure it was pliable and not going to break.  I start off really well with a steady double skip.  I can go faster.  In fact, I can make that thing whistle through the air.  It made it “whiz” as it went by.  Then it happened . . . I tripped on it with my right foot, and it made a snapping sound!  That thing whipped my left arm so hard I screamed like a girl for a split second.  Holy moly that hurt!  Not to mention the fact that I was stumbling from the trip.  The rope was fine but my arm was stinging!  I picked it back up and tried again; this time I was a little wiser.  Ok, I think I made it about 3 minutes before I felt like passing out.  This thing is not a toy; it is made for hard exercise!  Back in the garage right where I will know where it is . . . no where that anyone else will have to see it.

It is time to go say my prayers and get ready for that run tomorrow morning.  Regardless of how well I do, I will be sure to invite God along with me.  It was my dedication to God through Lent that allowed me to get to this point.  My reward for the dedication is the ability to participate in such an event.

Lent Day 37

Inspiration.  We find inspiration in a variety of ways.  It could come from that thing we read, that speech we listened to, that situation we heard about, or that person who set a great example as a role model.  Regardless of what, who, or how we get inspired, we feel energized to strive toward our goals.    

Whether I like it or not, I have certain roles in my life that put me into a position where I have to inspire others.  As a boss, I have to keep the employees motivated.  Fortunately, I have a good group of employees that only need minor adjustments to stay focused.  I have learned the lessons about motivating with an iron fist versus inspiring with rewards and kindness.  It turns out the best method is not about me as a leader but rather the employee’s response to varying methods.  The good leader simply needs to know how to be versatile enough to inspire each employee. 

As a Dad, I have to motivate the boys to do things they don’t want to do; such as wash with soap instead of simply standing under the water for a half hour.  We expect so much of our kids and even demand that they do things like eat their vegetables, brush their teeth, or do their homework.  Just like with employees, I have learned that the best method depends on whichever one they will respond to with the best results . . . sometimes varying upon how much sleep they have had. 

There is one big difference between motivating employees and children (though they can be hard to tell apart sometimes).  Employees don’t need the boss to do the same job such as build that wall, paint that room, handle that client, or make that sale.  They know that is their job.  Conversely, children need that extra instruction that may require a “hands on” approach.  Most importantly, children need that good example / role model.  That is where I am focusing right now.  I want to be that positive inspiration in my boys’ lives.  As I run each night, I realize that I will have to teach them about endurance through the struggle.  Also, I may eventually have to run after them.  I’ll need to be able to run faster and farther than they will.

We are all morally responsible for setting a positive example.  The things we do, the way we treat people, or even how we live our lives are all examples for others to follow.  If we do these properly, then we will help others get inspired and stay motivated.  This is a big factor in living as a Christian. What motivates me?  Considering the fact that I attempted “to be a better person each day” as a New Years resolution and failed, I have to say God.  This Lent experience has motivated me to get active and stay committed.  It is through Lent that I can witness to others how I want to live a Christian life. 

I ran extra hard tonight.  I never stopped running or even slowed down to walk during the entire 5K.  I ran a 5K in 29:39 . . . yep, 18 seconds worse than last time.  I never said being inspired, having that extra motivation, or even remaining stoic in your commitment will automatically guarantee success.  Some setbacks are inevitable.  These are what make us stronger and encourage us try harder next time.  The important part is to find that inspiration, stay motivated, and remain stoic in your commitments.

Lent Day 36

Better in every way.  When I said I wanted to give up laziness, it was more than physical.  I wanted to make myself do those things that I don’t do for whatever reason.  Sometimes it’s that thing I don’t feel like doing and sometimes that excuse is simply that I don’t have enough time in the day.  Tragically, this even includes being a Dad.  When we came home from baseball last night, Tyler really wanted to go outside and play catch with me.  Unfortunately, it was too late.  It was time for prayers and right to bed.  Every night we have so much to do with baseball and church and homework and . . . I know, it sounds like excuses, right?  And then life happens.

Today was a really productive day at work.  For some reason my Blackberry has started dying each day around noon.  I have to go outside and plug it into the car charger.  I lock the car and go without my Crackberry for a couple of hours.  From 1:00 to 4:00 today I got a lot of stuff done with little to no interruption.  Then it hit me, uh oh, I better go check on my phone.  I feel the vibration on my hip and it’s not even there; must be phantom “phone” pains.  Yeah, a bunch of missed calls, text messages, and those dreaded voice mails.  Oh well, the time at my desk allowed me to have a steady productive pace.  That felt good to get so much accomplished.  I know what some of you are thinking, “Did I get any joke emails from Ben during that 3 hour window . . .?” J

I had to hurry home for exercise time tonight.  We decided to skip church and exercise was going to be special.  We had to rush to get done with dinner so that we could go outside and play catch.  That is one way to get Tyler to eat his dinner quickly, including the vegetables.  We played catch for over an hour.  We would pretend someone was running to 1^st base with each catch and throw.  We tagged them out most of the time, but there were a few that got past us and even made it to home plate.  This additional aspect of getting the other team out made the pace really fast.  It wasn’t running but it was aerobic exercise. 

When we got done playing catch, Tyler and I ran one lap around the property.  I explained that we were going to race from the back yard to the garden, right turn up to the road, right turn down the road, then right again for that last stretch down the paved driveway and back to the porch.  Immediately Tyler took off running full speed.  I quickly started teaching Tyler about pacing yourself to win the race.  I explained that you never win a race at the beginning because the finish line is at the end of the race.  You want to pass them at the end.  Steady jogging and then he exploded into a sprint down the paved driveway.  Blake was standing at the finish line with his arms wide open.  I yelled, “The first one to touch Blake wins.”  Immediately, Blake looked terrified and ran for his life into the house.  We took off after him right into the kitchen.  Christy didn’t have a clue what happened when we all came crashing in the back door on her.

It doesn’t matter what kind of exercise you do, but if you do it with people you love, then it is so much easier and really fun.

Lent Day 35

A race?  I have only participated in one 5K in my life.  That one was the same one I am going to do this Saturday, except back in 1995 when I was young.  I didn’t even train for that one.  I literally just decided that morning that I was going to run in it.  I think the Mrs. Wheeler talked me into it that morning.  I remember saying it was really difficult, and I will never do that again.  Well, I guess I should never say that again.

I had no idea that running a 5K meant actually running a race.  I honestly thought (from all of my prior experience) the goal of running a 5K was to do just that, run a 5K.  A good friend told me today that people will run super hard and finish these in as little as 15 minutes.  What is wrong with people?  The goal is to finish so that I can say I ran a 5K . . . and get the T-shirt that cost me $15.  Well, let me think about this . . . my wife and best friends are running in this “race” with me.  Do I get to talk smack?  I like talking smack to my buddy.  All in friendly Christian love of course.

I truly had not thought about a competitive aspect of this running.  Up to now my only competition was Monte and Molly.  Molly doesn’t count so much because she runs out of steam to quickly.  Though, she is not my fat beagle any more.  She is much leaner, but that could just be summer time.  Monte has really developed a new level of endurance.  He always had speed, but now he has the longevity.  If he ever runs away from home, he’ll be back in Mexico sipping a margarita on the beach before we notice him missing.  There were a couple of times that I outran Monte at the end of the run.  Of course, the best I could do with a leash was to be out in front of him by a few feet.  This is usually a good idea at the half mile mark as well due to his propensity toward expelling waste in the beginning of the run.

What if life was not about the time spent or meeting goals, but rather a competition?  Oh boy, we had all better wake up and get some real running shoes on.  Sure, for some people it is about beating everyone else at their “expertise” or game, but for most people, life is mere survival.  People give up too quickly and simply succumb to their own complacency.  The less they struggle, the less they will fail.  Life does have a way of repeatedly knocking us down.  For me, I know my biggest competitor is . . . myself.  Well, that makes sense; I do try to outdo myself each day.  This is not because I am in a race trying to get to the finish line, but rather because I want to feel success and accomplishment in my life.  I want to constantly improve in every possible way I can. 

I pushed harder tonight than every before.  (I wish I could say that every day.)  I ran a 5K tonight in 29:21 with a band aid on my big toe!  Zechariah 4:6 says “not by might nor by power, but by my spirit says the Lord”.  This is true especially when doing something physical.  Every time I wanted to slow down and walk tonight, I had to ask myself, is this a physical or mental desire?  Every time it was a mental desire to walk.  I had to ask God for that strength and endurance to help me push a little further.  He heard my prayers.  I would push on farther and farther with that steady jog.  Since I held a rapid pace, Monte never even had to do that country two-step dance.