Played: I Got Schooled

Social experiments are so much fun, until you become the subject. 

I had an interesting meeting with an insurance inspector this week.  I learned a couple of things about insurance liability, but that is not important.  This guy talked so fast I never even got his name.  He was very matter of fact, loud voice, fast paced . . . yeah, he was a typical clerk in a fast food joint in Chicago.  We walked the property together and he bounced around like one of those rubber balls with a string and a paddle.  Needless to say, I lost interest in this character pretty fast.  My answers became short and direct.  The sooner we get this over with, the sooner I can get on to more important things.

We went inside the building to look around.  While he checked the usual emergency lights and bathroom fixtures I decided to check my Blackberry.  I can still answer his varied questions while checking the latest emails.  Right when I was looking at my phone is when he did it.  He spoke softly.  He changed his demeanor into a gentle approach, leaned toward me, and spoke softly and clearly.  I immediately snapped to attention, put my phone away, and answer his questions.  We both even smiled at each other. 

Sometimes, it only takes that change up in attitude to get someone’s attention.  No one likes stern, aggressive, matter of fact demeanors.  When approached with loud noisy people or things, we tend to start to tune them out.  This is true of the loud person or the rattling car trunk near us in traffic.  We direct our focus toward other less obnoxious things.  However, when a person changes up to a gentler softer approach we immediately respond with a more pleasant attentive attitude. 

This is a lesson I learned a long time ago about attitudes and responses.  Yet, I played right into his hand.

Success is Learning

After so much misery, I woke up in the Fordasaurus to a clear sunrise on Monday morning. It had not rained as everyone had claimed it was going to. I looked at my phone to see a pile of emails from so many people regarding my big failure. I had to acknowledge the encouragement and love from all of my friends and family. The time had come to determine if I was really going to quit or if I was going to rejoin the team. If I was going to quit and go home, I had better get moving; the plane leaves in a few hours. All of my gear was dried out, and I had re-packed my gear. To rejoin the group, I had to pinpoint their exact location and get myself to them precisely when they crossed that road. Jason had text me and gave me a general idea of where they were. After a long while of phone calls to shuttle services that said they were booked up and unavailable, I walked to each gas station looking for someone to give me a ride way into the middle of no where. No one was willing to help me even for money and time was running out. There was an older gentlemen that appeared to be retired military. I asked him if he knew of anyone locally that could give me a ride. He replied that he had nothing to do and might as well take me himself. He was the first blessing I had seen in a while. After almost getting lost with him and passing the approximate location, we went back to a possible campground. Going back and forth I finally told him to drop me off at the crossroad intersection where two roads met up with the AT. I got my gear out of the truck, signed in on the AT registry, and looked down the hill to see Spence a mere 50 feet away! The timing was critically close. We sat around for a while as a group and enjoyed lunch. It was time to start hiking with these real men who were willing to accept me back into their crew. I was suddenly invigorated. We went up some of the most beautiful mountain sides I had ever seen. The over looks were astonishing. Spence took off in the lead while Tom and Jason were lagging back a little. This left me alone, again. It's ok; I deserved that. I turned on my Ipod and continued up that mountain with a hurried pace. Suddenly the majestic beauty of it hit me. I had chills up my spine as I soaked in the breathtaking views. I was alive, refreshed, and completely in awe of the wondrous surroundings. This was absolutely awesome!I had no clue what kind of reward could have been waiting for me. Over the past couple of months I physically trained and even prepared with all of the proper equipment. I went through all the correct motions yet I was not ready. When I got here, I was clueless regarding what to expect. I judged quickly and prematurely determined this was hell. It wasn't until I was willing to accept responsibility for my actions, overcome the guilt and shame, and put forth the fortitude to go back for a second attempt before I realized what wonders lay ahead for me. This was not hell as I previously thought. If Heaven starts out rough, I will know not to give up too quickly.In a feeble attempt to redeem myself, I brought back several bottles of fresh water. I carried this for miles and shared with the guys whenever they were thirsty. I desperately wanted the role of motivator to my friends. I told jokes and stories. We had some real positive bonding time. We came to a shelter where we could have stopped, but by unanimous decision we decided to push on another ten miles to the next shelter. We had no idea how much uphill climbs there would be. Heading uphill also means no water. We were running desperately scarce on water, and I had already shared all the water I brought. We crossed one stream and took it for granted that there would be plenty more. The later it got, the more desperate the situation became. We kept pushing along the top of an endless ridge line. Even the dog was getting very fatigued. We must get to water because we were sweating out too much. We finally reached a pinnacle with a bunch of huge rocks. We stopped for a moment to take a break when it suddenly hit me. I said to the guys, "I'm about to pass out" and then I hit the ground. The world was spinning and I felt horrible. This was a dire situation for me. Then I realized I had a half of a bottle of water stashed that I had to drink. Jason went on to look for water while Tom took care of me. After coming to, Tom and I set up camp. Spence ran back two and a half miles of mountain trails in the dark to bring us water. I went on to bed for the best night of tent camping sleep ever. This was a great day.The next day Tom and I made it to the camp where Jason and Spence had spent the night. They had a great camp with showers and fresh water. Tom and TJ stayed there for the day so that Spence could slack pack to the end; the challenge was set to see how fast Spence could make it the last 12 miles. Jason and I hiked with most of our gear. We were a two man team and Jason was the diesel freight train engine full of unending endurance. We had three incredibly steep mountains to climb in the hot sun. The view was terrible and the water source had dried up. This was becoming increasingly difficult. It seemed the harder it became, the more stoic Jason' endurance grew. We finally reached water about eight miles in. The final four miles were mostly downhill and canopied along a stream. The canopy reminded me of what those soldiers must have gone through in Vietnam. They certainly endured far worse then me.Jason and I became even closer this trip. We finished the last section together in the pouring rain. Afterward, we all went out to dinner for huge steak and cheese subs, then retired to our hotel rooms where we nearly collapsed from pure exhaustion. Going through these tough times does more than make us appreciate the good times. My closest friend, Jason, has the ability to push through any amount of pain which was astonishing to me. When most people get weak from exhaustion, he became a focused machine that could endure any amount of suffering.  Spence taught me that we can push outselves to new boundries and then a little further.  Tom displayed how the mind keeps going.  His intellectual business creativity intrigues me because he was able to disconnect which only made him more focused.  I learned about my own physical and mental stamina. I know now how far I can push my body through physical strength and endurance testing. More importantly, I know that I have mental limitations that with focus, can be stretched beyond my normal elements. We should all try new things throughout our lives. Some of those things will truly test our character. I survived this test and overcame failure even at my weakest moment.  The Appalacian Trail is full of ups and downs, knobs and gaps, and highs and lows; then there are the mountains.

Failure Does Not Feel Good: My Weakest Moment Revealed

As I mentioned previously, I went hiking in the Appalachian Trail this week with three of my close guy friends. I was fortunate enough to get to drive the entire 600 miles in an extremely large yet unfamiliar Ford Excursion. We arrived last night just before dark to Mt. Rogers in Virginia. We hiked into the dark only to start setting up our tents and gear in the cold rain. After a difficult time cooking dinner, we went to sleep in our wet set up. Throughout the night, rain continued until I became soaking wet and extremely uncomfortable. This was also my first time in the straight jacket known as a mummy sleeping bag. This was made worse by the fact that my head and feet were touching the tent sides. I became claustrophobic since I couldn't move even to roll over. Suddenly, I became very panicky because I knew I couldn't get out of the bag since I couldn't stop shivering. As some animal brushed against my tent and pushing my feet, I immediately grabbed my pistol and sat awake the rest of the night. I only had a few hours of sleep all night. The little bit of sleep I did get was constant nightmares and paranoia.

This morning it looked like a cold October day with added rain. It felt like hell had just frozen over. I sincerely apologized to my friends, but I had to quit. I knew that I could not survive a week in a soaking wet sleeping bag. Cold and wet just shouldn't go together.

Tonight I sit in the same truck stop parking lot I have been all day. It is not my truck, so I have to find another way out of here. I plan to hitch a ride out of this truck stop in the morning to the nearest big town (60 miles away) so that I can rent a car to go home to my family.
My family has been upset all day (on Mother's Day), and I let my closest friends down. Above all, I let myself down. This May 8th will go down in my history as my weakest day ever.

Running the Big Race

After Lent was over I found myself relaxed but (overly) confident in my abilities.  Saturday was a 5K race that was for Relay for Life as a cancer fundraiser.  Sure, why not?  I have been training, and I can do better every time.  At this point, these are fun and common place . . . even though I have not ran but one time all week.

Before the 5K race there was a kid’s 1 mile race.  Since we didn’t have a babysitter, Christy entered both boys in this race.  I have been taking Tyler with me a few times but not very aggressively and not really training for a big race.  I did teach him one thing; no race is ever won at the starting line.  Every race is won at the finish line.  Most kids will take off full of energy only to realize they can’t finish the race.  It never makes sense to be the one in the lead if you can’t finish.  Tyler was doing great by keeping his pace and staying in third position.  The race ended with a final quarter mile lap around the track.  I noticed Tyler was struggling but remained steady.  I walked the opposite to direction to meet Tyler with half a lap to go.  I ran along beside him coaching him along.  I was able to be there as his Dad giving him the extra motivation to push really hard for that awesome finish.  He gave it everything he had to sprint across the finish line.

I was standing there with all those athletes ready to run the 5K.  Several were stretching out their muscles and some were simply standing there having jovial conversations while flexing their muscles at each other.  In order to make yourself look skinny, surround yourself with fat people.  Wow, I really felt like the fat guy.  In fact, I was the fattest guy in the crowd.  Nervous anxiety started to come over me.  What am I doing out here with these trained athletes?  None of these people know me or care about my story.  At that point, I wondered if I knew my story. 

We started and they all took off; even all of the ladies passed me.  I reminded myself not to let pride take over.  I set my pace where I knew that I could run the entire race without stopping.  Then I started feeling worse.  I had not run on my own like this before.  Always before, I ran with a purpose.  I ran for God.  It was about the first half mile mark and I started praying, “God, please join me in this race.  It is with you that all things are possible.  Please forgive me for thinking this was about my abilities.”  I suddenly felt at ease.  I never waivered again.  One by one I started passing people who were dropping from their overly zealous pace.  I was approaching the end, and I knew I was doing fine.  The Christian music from the Relay was playing and it really inspired me to the point that I got chills up my spine.  I was about to pass two more people and really run that last quarter mile as fast as I can possibly run.  As I turned the corner to get on that tract for that final lap here came Tyler running over to me.  “Daddy” he yelled out.  He ran along with me with the biggest grin on his face.  We both smiled, but I knew what I had to do . . . I am about to sprint the entire lap to show my son what I can do.  I took off and immediately I heard it; my son cried out to me, “Daddy, don’t leave me.  Daddy!”  Oh no, what am I to do?  I slowed down almost jogging in place, grabbed my son’s hand, and we ran the entire lap together.  He pushed as hard as he could.  He didn’t want to disappoint me and I didn’t want to disappoint him.  I helped him run his race and he helped me run mine.  The only time I ran alone was the beginning where I felt intimidated, anxious, and afraid.  I felt at peace as I ran the race with God and became victorious as I finished the race with my son. 

Pendulum Effect

Life is a constant swinging pendulum of ups and downs.  There was so much success over the weekend with the Easter Resurrection, record weight loss, accomplishing the 40 hour Fast, and even the joy of knowing true success from putting forth 100% effort.  Then it all ended.  I ate what I wanted, drank what I wanted, and even had a relaxing day with minimal effort.  This morning I dug deeper in the closet to find an old pair of slacks that I haven’t worn in years.  They are now the best fitting pair of pants I own.  I had accomplished everything I set out to accomplish.  With God all things are possible.

There is nothing more devastating to positive progression than to reach final success.  The most unproductive time in life is right between successful completion of one thing and the beginning of working on a new thing.  It is right after that feeling of accomplishment that we are left feeling empty and unchallenged.  We relax only to find that we have lost our purpose and need to quickly find a new one.

Work was not so great today.  Some of the things that I recently thought were coming together seemed to fall apart.  One by one, another thing went wrong.  Then tonight I decided to go running the 5K.  Maybe a good run will bring me back up.  I had to stop a few more times than usual tonight: twice for the dog with the nice teeth, once for the old Ford truck that burned way too much gas, and twice coming up those steep hills.  The salt in all that good food yesterday is now burning my eyes like pepper spray.  I did the whole 5K in 31:38.  It felt like anything but success.

There is a 5K race this Saturday for Relay for Life.  In two weeks I will be hiking in the AT with some great guys.  In 6 weeks I will be revisiting high school friends for my 20 year reunion.  These are all good reasons to keep motivated.  However, my biggest reason to stay motivated didn’t hit me until I was at the 4K mark running tonight; I had not prayed all day.  I guess that level of confidence made me a little arrogant.  Lent was a period of cleansing to get me closer in my relationship with God.  God does not want us to simply thank Him for the nice journey.  He wants a relationship with us.

In order for me to keep my life from a constant pendulum of highs and lows, I need to recognize the patterns and direction changes.  It is time to refocus and stay motivated.  Writing always helps.  Maybe I should write about this . . . maybe I will post it on my website since it’s not being used anymore . . .

Lent Day 47 - Easter

Since the very first day I have felt as thought this period of Lent was a preparatory process for something to come.  I have been getting an education so that I can move on to the next level.  I have gained muscle, lost weight, built endurance, learned about sacrifice, and above all, strengthened my relationship with God. 

One of the biggest things I learned about was sacrifice.  I deliberately gave up certain things and habits.  However the sacrifices were much bigger than giving up chocolate or fried foods.  Rather, the sacrifice was felt in the peripheral things I had to give up.  Whenever I was out running, I had to give up a few minutes at home with my wife and boys or even time spent sleeping.  Giving up certain things meant that I couldn’t enjoy certain times with friends and family as much as I would have liked.  Even though they were numerous this year, these small sacrifices make me really appreciate the sacrifice that Jesus made for each of us: his gave his life for you and me.

The question almost goes without asking, what next?  The biggest thing I was trying to give up was laziness.  Well, on this 47^th day, I rested.  I ate a delightful meal at O’Neal’s with family and friends.  For dinner, I grilled the best hamburgers with sautéed onions and melted pepper jack cheese with jalapeños . . . and then the whole family went for a 4.5K walk.  It took us almost an hour, but the four of us and the dogs had a great time enjoying each other’s company.  I don’t know if I will have the determination to keep this going daily until next Ash Wednesday, but I will remember one important thing my big brother Dean taught me.  Do one thing everyday to get your heart rate up; it doesn’t matter what you do, just get your heart rate up.  Even if all you do is go for a blissful walk with your spouse, children, dogs, or even God.  There is nothing more invigorating.

No matter what I do, how much I dedicate myself, commit my actions, and focus my thoughts, I cannot get any closer to God through any amount of action or inaction.  The only thing that matters is what’s in my heart: that faith in Jesus for what He did on this day about 2,000 years ago.  For that I will always be thankful.

I have exceeded my weight loss goal.  I wanted to lose 12 pounds, and I lost 22 pounds.  The last two pounds was from doing a 40 hour Fast from Friday night through Sunday morning.  Saturday was brutal.  I was so tired, lethargic, and worthless feeling.  Unfortunately, the feeling was familiar; this is what I felt like everyday when I was 40 pounds heavier, smoked, and ate junk food every day.  I had started to question why I was doing the Fast, but then during prayer, it occurred to me; to remind me of what will happen if I turn away from God and go back to my old ways.

Along this journey I defined a few things.  Inspiration is what gives us the desire to get up and make goals.  Motivation keeps us progressing along with enthusiasm.  Dedication is the absolute giving of ourselves.  Commitment is the stoic promise.  I have found each of these things in God along this journey.

Writing these blogs every day became a big commitment and obligation for me.  It was the multitudinous responses and kind words of so many of you that inspired me and kept me motivated.  Writing these kept me accountable.  I could have kept this thing to myself and even gotten away with cheating a little.  I am sure God would have forgiven me.  Knowing that my promise everyday was to God and that all of you were watching, I couldn’t cheat.  I am setting an example to all of you and to my children (who watch me even when I don’t think they’re paying attention).  I am a Christian man who made a public promise to God.  In return, you motivated me and God rewarded me.  I can only hope that I inspired a few of you.   

    

This was my journey to get closer to God . . . for all of you that asked me 47 days ago what is Lent . . . this is the best way I can define it.  Thank you all for following along.

Lent Day 46

Motivation.  It is inspiration that gets us started, but it is motivation that keeps us going for that finish line.  Due to recent events and the timing with Easter, I have to ask myself what is my true motivation?  Am I doing this for myself as a disguised diet and exercise plan or am I doing this for God?  God knows what is in my heart. 

Last night I went camping in the back yard with the boys.  We stayed up very late telling stories and such.  The boys were all snuggled up in the sleeping bags and comforters.  I had a sheet and a very thin blanket so I had a miserably cold night.  Every time I moved a draft of cold air would hit me and make me wake up freezing.  When I finally got up (more like gave up trying to sleep) I realized I was tired and did not get the needed rest.  I suppose this might have been similar to Jesus’s Thursday night before being hung on the cross.  I would bet that was his worst night ever.

I decided to go running this morning.  It is a beautiful morning and besides, since I am Fasting I don’t know if I will have the energy to run this evening.  Christy did her 5K running before me this morning.  When I went running on the dirt road I thought it was really cool to see her footsteps.  I felt like I was running where she had just recently gone.  This can be likened to the fact that Jesus has gone before me to pave the way to the Father.

I ran extra hard this morning.  While running the sun was coming up and making it very hot.  I was already tired from the lack of sleep and lack of food.  Then that stupid dog came out into the road to show me his teeth.  Nice teeth.  With all of those obstacles, I kept running.  As I was jogging up that steep hill I asked myself, “Am I doing this for me or for God?”  I can assure you if it was for me, I would be walking.   

We try to set man-made goals for everything we do.  Those seem attainable, measurable, and calculable.  Whatever goals I may make for myself, I know that I can accomplish with an “A” level (sometimes with just 95%).  However, we cannot even imagine the plans and goals God has for us.  Jeremiah 29:11.  If I follow God’s plan, I know I can stay motivated and accomplish the goal 100%.